Bittersweet rantings...

I'm confused - with a lot of things. I thought that everything was going to be cool. Damn, I gave up a year... whole damn year just for him. I should've listened to my friends... but maybe, subconsciously, I wanted this all to happen. I have this thing with hurting myself. The more I hurt, the more I want to get out... and when the breaking free part comes... the more I had reasons to stay.

My goodness, I’m so stupid. What is happening to me? And now that I stayed, this is what's going to happen? If I did go, perhaps I would've wondered what happened. I’ll be taking up creative writing now, confused in the thoughts of "what-if's" and "what-if not’s". So now that there are almost none of those, I know what happened. I’m having the notion of what's going to happen.

But I want to drive it away. I don't want a summer fling. I don't want anything for the summer - maybe just a slot in math 11 or PE2. Aside from that, perhaps the usual, a chunk of the reasons why I stayed in UPLB remain. The only thing I can never have now. Some guy named Gabriel. Why? Because he likes my housemate, that’s why. Maybe he likes me too, since we're close friends (for me that is)... but like, like? Nah. the way I like him? Hell no.

Honestly I want to blame this stupid face I have. This ugly face, this small not-so-proportioned body I have. I don’t have the hair to let down and make me look cute. I don't have the wits to intimidate anyone. I don't have the FYI's to make anyone pay attention. But you see, now that I know physical appearance does matter, I can't blame anyone or anything for it. My housemate can't help if she's pretty and witty and smart and likable. It wasn't his fault either. So what I have here now is myself. I’m blaming myself for being what I am... like it matters. I know it doesn't.

But blaming is like scratching an itch... for a moment of scratching, one gets diverted from feeling the actual itch. The more you scratch, the more you forget about it. The more you won't stop. And then eventually you'll realize that the itch is already bleeding, flesh already scraped. Then you have to stop, confused on which to feel - the itch or the bleeding pain.

Ashes

Here are the ashes of an old flame that was extinguished a long long time ago:
I just had the urge to post this thing that I've written more than a year ago. As mentioned, the composition is old.. written when I was too young, too stupid to actually have the slightest notion about what love is. I've thrown the ashes of that flame out into a sea of memories I would not dare dip into again for a lifetime. But my luck and like I had another lifetime, I'm out again to extinguish another flame. Now that my world just crashed (as in bout a couple of hours ago) care of the him who slept in my apartment for two weeks... I felt all the more alone, stupid and just plain ugly. It's becoming more and more of a fire each day, consuming my thoughts... I can still hear the crackling of false hopes into my head. I want to grasp it now and kill it with my bare hands even if costs burning of flesh. But you see, the more I know bout what he thinks, the more I die. The more his absence lingers... the more I fail at putting off the fire as I myself burn out and will eventually be the ashes thrown out into the sea of forgotten memories.

What I Never Had

Here are the ashes that will haunt me no more for a new nightmare is coming
to life. I'm just glad now of the idea that the love I mentioned below is not
really love but rather a concoction of confused emotions and overwhelming
flattery I had too much of. I got drunk. I had a hang over. I went back to
normal. The cycle is starting again, drinking not a concoction of flattery but
more of the foolish ideas of soulmates and kindred spirits.

March 17, 2003
Damn! It’s been a year and a half from the time when we first met; a year and three months since u first greeted me on my birthday; a year and a month ever since our first dance; more than a year in view of the fact that you came crashing into my life…Am I losing count? No, I’ve been keeping track of everything unusual that happened in my so-called life. And when YOU happened, the whole thing just went bizarre.
For 14 years, my existence had been normal, from my point of view at least. But believe it or not, a scrabble game turned around the meaning of my existence itself. Yes, shallow as it may seem, the first time you looked at me and told me “You can do it” simply flickered a different emotion that I’ve never stumbled upon before until that split second. And so we were the champion, but somehow that victory told me that I’ve won much more than a gold medal – I made a self-discovery.
I learned to care for another person other than myself, family and friends. Never until then knew that being myself was the greatest I can be. You nudged me out of my shell, and all went diverted. No, I kept my real self, only I was better in a way. It’s like this: there’s a nice plain colored wall and for the longest time its contented being like that. But then fate came and decided to hang a fine-looking painting on the wall, and all of a sudden the wall itself with the painting became beautiful. In other words, you inspired me.
Wait! I felt like that, honest, but I’m not implying that you felt the same. Days just went by, with us burning the phone lines with stupid and sometimes sweet nothings until 2 in the morning. The weird thing is that we’re not as close in school. From another approach, it’ll seem that we’re just mere acquaintances. However, something held me back and made me perfectly satisfied with the way things are. That is until I started to question…
Why, out of the blue and considering the fact that I was a total stranger, were you interested to know me? You scribbled a “happy birthday” on our chalkboard for my entire class to see (and the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me) though we haven’t been much acquainted yet. Then you started to text me and phone calls followed afterwards. You always paid me compliments. You always ask bout me to other people. You sent me love quotes. You said your crush has pretty eyes and then when I asked you who she is, you said it’s me. What the heck was that about? I didn’t want to jump into conclusions that you might actually have feelings for me. Nevertheless, my ever stubborn head allowed me to do so. I started to fall (really hard) and drowned into the ocean of my own fantasies.
There I was, thinking all along that you like me too. I expected a lot of things. For instance, when Christmas time came, I imagined you giving me something. No, I’m not materialistic and I bet you know that. I anticipated more of something like you greeting me a “merry Christmas” in person or something written (because I know you write well). But what did I get? Well, just a plain text message saying “Merry Christmas too…” and news that you gave some freshman girl a box of chocolates for Christmas. Now if you wonder how “merry” my “Christmas” was back then, you have no idea…
In spite of what happened, the New Year meant a new start for us (or was it only me?). All went normal, you know, call, text and stolen glances on school corridors but this time, I totally erased what happened the previous year. And I liked you even more. Time went by like a dazzling haze of colored fusion, and so fast that I hadn’t has the time to drink the whole scenario into my senses. In what seemed like a blink, Valentine’s Day came and yes, love was in the air.
For the very first time in my life, I attended a school dance – the Valentine’s Ball. I never liked social scenes like that and the fact that I have to dress-up was mere agony because I was never vain, but I did go. Why? Because I know you’re going to be there, and you were. As you realize by now, expectations crawled through my veins faster than snake venom. The first song was played and I waited for you. Instead, I saw you dancing with your pretty classmate. I tried to act cool, like it was nothing and resorted to sleep behind the vacant chairs. But deep inside, I felt like my heart is crushed that it’s beginning to suck the life out of me. And then someone poked my shoulder. I turned around and it was you offering you’re hands as the lights flickered in the darkness. I didn’t think twice and took it. I haven’t even heard you ask. I just stood up as if an invisible remote control took over my entire motor skills.
My head just floated into the lairs of unspeakable harmony that I never cared what music we’re dancing to. I tried to come up with a conversation, but somehow silence is all I needed to hear. All I know is that you’re there, holding my hand, and close to me and never in a million years can anyone replace that moment. Sadly, the music cannot play forever and so it ended.
Yet, though the song ended, the melodies stayed loud and clear within my mind. We began to plan about our senior year and then occasionally of college life. I thought of many wonderful things that can happen when we’re already classmates but unexpectedly, life took a sudden twist. You had to leave. I was left devastated.
However, I tried to turn the whole thing around and look at it from another perspective. I made an effort to optimistic so I can somehow pass it on to you. And I like to think that I made a pretty good job on that. So vacation went on smoothly and we talked about your plans on a new school at times. Still, the real highlight of my summer was I finally pulled the guts to tell you that I like you. It was the moment of truth for me and at that time I felt that it was the most rational thing to do rather than let you leave without even knowing that. And remember? You told me you like me too. It was a hall of fame instance for me. There was an understanding between the two of us, or so I supposed.
After the first few months of the school year, you changed. You practically moved on liking one girl and then another. What happened to “us”? I questioned even more than before my whole strange imaginary love life came to being. Why did you just let me fall for you and then left me waiting in vain? Have I done something wrong? Was I never enough and unworthy of those feelings that I actually thought you had for me all along? All these questions came pouring in and I found no answers. We seldom talked. When we came close to this subject, you just retaliate and declare your favorite phrase, “change topic”. I knew you were trying to run away, but I didn’t care. I became bitter and angry at myself, thinking that all these happened because I did something wrong and I didn’t even know.
One time, you had a chat with a friend of mine. He asked you if still love me, you said no, why? Then you said you don’t know; the feelings just vanished. So you mean you actually loved me in the process? I don’t want to jump into another conclusion as I did long ago. Still questions grew in number everyday and they remained questions. I was still blaming myself.
But you see, I’ve met a few bends on the road these past few months. Someone actually liked me and made efforts to prove so. I made the best attempts to sort out my feelings and see if I could return such emotions, because I don’t want other people to experience what happened to me. I had this little fling and then I gave up because I grasped the whole idea that I don’t have feelings for that person as he has for me. No matter how much people say we look good together, I don’t care. I can never spend the last years of high school in such state of a total lie. I don’t care if people look at it like I’m the antagonist, because I don’t actually have special feelings for the guy and if I let the whole thing continue, it’ll be both our loss.
Since we are still friends, I told you the whole thing. You said you were proud of me for doing that, probably because of how honest I was. And then it hit me. You were in the exact position as I was, in some ways. Now, I’m actually starting to let the remaining feelings for you drift away.
No, our situations were entirely different. I still have questions, but I’ll never dare to ask again. Maybe I just grew tired of asking myself, of what went wrong or what wasn’t enough. I don’t mind anymore, because perhaps destiny cannot even answer those questions itself. I can now fully accept the fact that you never loved me and never will. Or maybe I’m wrong, but otherwise I can live with that now.
Whenever anyone asks me before if I still love you, I’ll undoubtedly say yes, without any hesitations or thinking twice. But now, for the longest time, I’m not sure of what to answer to that question anymore.
All I am aware now, as far as I know, is that I’m never going to love anyone as much as I have loved you. I cannot give that much, not that I’m afraid to, it’s just that I think I don’t have as much to give anymore. After more than a year, I am finally letting you, or at least my feelings, go without the slightest idea if you were ever really mine.
Now, a chapter in my life is going to close and there’s a big new world out there waiting for me next school year. It’s fun to think of the possibilities that we’re going to bump into each other there and probably have lunches together occasionally with our common friends. We can never exactly predict what will happen, if the unresolved past will arrive to the future seeking for a conclusion or not.
I am very much comfortable with us sharing our lives together as true blue friends. I don’t want to go assuming again, and I assure you, I’ve learned much and I wouldn’t dare defy fate again especially regarding with matters of the heart. There will always be reason for everything and who knows; maybe it is better this way, right?

A Letter

This is a letter (that would've ended up in a landfill), for the I have been with for two weeks:

hmmm... new here. first time? yup. just watched another semi-sappy film, under the sappy, sappy night sky, in my never, but pretending to be sappy life. sometimes i wonder if it just so happen that when some sort of raffle draw happened before i came to life, the kind of life im living right now is some sort of sick consolation prize. am i bound to be as invisible as i am right now for let's say, eternity? i could wait for almost four hours in the subway. i could wait for 10 nights in two weeks. just for you. so then again, eternity isn't that long. by the time i can no longer hang on... i know you'll look at me. and the moment you actually see me... i hope i'm gone. no need to wait, i'm never coming back, even if i wanted to. i guess that's what they say bout not having it all. you had me. lucky enough. i never had anything, including you. hope there isn't anything far worse. think about it.