Regrets Of A Pretending-To-Be Hero

Have I told you that my best friend is leaving tomorrow? I would’ve been with her. We should’ve transferred schools together. It could’ve been the best years of our lives.

But I stayed behind…

Let’s do a rewind, shall we? As far as I can remember I wanted to transfer. I wanted to take up creative writing so bad not even my parents can stop me. My best friend and I got it all planned out – the two of us in the same dorm, the two of us getting lost in Manila. You know… those kinds of adventures that we will remember for the rest of our lives as the two of us realize the biggest of aspirations.

But you came along…

I can still remember, it was second sem. If it wasn’t for the fact that my apartment was the “tambayan ng bayan”, we wouldn’t hold our group meetings and do our group assignments there. I don’t know if it was my so-called friendliness or the everyday meetings that made you remove the barrier you made between yourself and other people. Nonetheless, I was still firm with my decision to transfer. I got the good grades, my requirements and all that. All I needed was to take the exam and a little more luck to pass.

But before the semester ended…

I came to know that we’re linux loving, novel reading, download addict, non-mainstream music listener, caffeine freak kind of weirdoes. We even have the same family problems. Then again, you’re weirder - the PSHS kick-out, attend-class-whenever-I-feel-like-it, Math 101 final-exam-reviewed-in-45-minutes passer, math wizard kind of weird. You love this girl who hasn’t even texted you once for two years now. All those complications in you’re life made you hide in a shell and find refuge in being alone and sleeping all day. I felt like I had to save you – not only from being permanently dismissed but also from all other troubles you made for yourself and others did for you. And I tried, even if I have to let you use my computer for 2 weeks straight and be my unofficial boarder.

But it wasn’t just that…

We became inseparable. So, I gave up my dream, consoling myself with the thoughts that I can be a writer even if I don’t get to transfer. We were together 24/7 all the way ‘till summer classes. I helped you pass your English; you helped me passed my Math. I felt like we’re soul mates. I like you all this time even if I heard somewhere most soul mates don’t lead a romantic life. Still, I wanted to save you. I wanted to cure your grief. I wanted to be the one to make you smile and wake up each morning. Of course, the latter two was impossible. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t that theatre genius blessed with a face fit for a goddess. You know me; I’m just a mere mortal.

But after I realized that…

My best friend is leaving for real. I was the one who ditched our plans for the future. So I just made the best out of our last days together in the same school. We took up the same classes this summer, had sleepovers, eating, movie and shopping galore. We even finished practicing half of Pachelbel’s Canon. It was our best summer ever.

But it wasn’t enough, even for a compromise…

This semester won’t be the same without her. The thoughts of how she transferred sections when we were in 4th year high school just so that I won't be alone, kept haunting me. Because this time, I can’t be able to keep her company. I can’t be with her in the new school, in the new dorm, in a whole new world. I also gave up the chances to reach my dreams. It’s all because of this savior I felt like I had to be for you. I hate myself for that. How could’ve been so stupid not to realize long before that you’ll never forget your actress and I will never matter to you at all? I was just someone you run to, when you were too scared to be seen by her or to run with you when you wanted to see her. I was just someone who eats lunch and dinner with you at any time of the day. I was just someone who nags you every now and then to attend your classes or do your assignments. I know you’re just there to return the favors. Everything I did wasn’t much for you because all this time even as we speak, her thoughts have fueled your almost fading motivation to wake up and live each day.

But as for me…

I will live this new semester, most probably the whole school year wondering how things could’ve have been if I was with my best friend, doing what I love most. Most probably, I’ll miss my best friend terribly, when I play the Canon or eat Chicken Lauriat. I’ll try my luck again to transfer. Fail or not, I wish so bad that my best friend won’t forget me and all the adventures we had. Though we still get to meet on weekends, college life won’t be the same without her. Even if all this happened because I did stick around for you, it was my entire fault, not yours.

So, now...

Things had been said, damaged and done. I guess your life is back on track. You can go chasing after your goddess if you want. Besides, you told me, she’s the one who gives you the reason to stay in school – not me. I can never cure your grief because it’s unrequited love. I guess what I did for you is enough to save you from being permanently dismissed, not from yourself. Not even your girl can do that, only YOU.

So if you’ll excuse me, could I have a time out fixing your life now? I need to fix mine too.

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