Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Hell (Second) Day, And Classes Are Not Even Formally Starting

I thought yesterday was bad enough - first day of classes, sembreak hang over and all that laziness crap. But no, today is far worse, because yesterday at least, I got to hang out with my favorite people in LB till late night.

Things that made this day like hell for me:

  • After 3 days of exhausting enlistment and teacher/adviser hunt to fill my from26, I'm not yet enrolled. Today, I ran all the way from HUM bldg. to ACCI after my psy148 class only to find out the moment I got there that it had "just" closed [dammit, I still have to keep this huge amount of money with me, I hate it].
  • Friendster Maintainance day again, argh!
  • I've only been with people I know during lunch at IRRI aroung past 12nn to past 1pm. During the rest of the day, I was wandering around the campus. My mind was also wandering to who knows where that I can't even remember what significant things I did aside from lunch and my three, widely gapped classes.
  • This guy I had a crush on last semester, I just found out that he's married. To add up to that, the girlfriend of my LTS1 "loveteam" is my dorm mate and I'm still wondering why I had that "missed call" from her. But really, I'm just bugged up from these whole petty issues with the opposite sex because I didn't have a single, decent interaction with the guitarman today. But then again, I'm confused with this weird feeling that I only continue to like him for the mere satisfaction out of spying. Pathetic isn't it? I'm always a failure in being a hopeless romantic.
  • My cellphone's battery barely serves its purpose unless attached to the charger (which apparently, one of the things I lack in my new room at women's). I've always tried my best to please my parents for them to buy me a new cellphone battery. I try my best at school, I do my sisters projects and assigments (i.e.: "overnight" bookreports and html programming by hand, as in written on paper - though it's against my will), I do everything they say with the least complaints. Other kids ask for Nokia 72 somethings without ther effort of proving that they deserve it, but they still get it. What about me? I only wanted a battery, a working one. And let's not mention about my sister who has an 8210, telephone and TV in her bedroom but not a least bit interested in studying. She's the one who asks me to do assignment and projects for her to be passed the next day, the one whom I should always obey because otherwise my mom would be furious and starts shouting "magkano ka ba?" at me all over again. This is not a classic case of sibling rivalry, it does not even fall to that category - this is another level and I can't even tell you a term for it.
  • I promised myself that I would make my blogposts short and readable by any person other than myself, but I have failed again.
  • Lastly, I'm having this notion again that I forgot how to write. My grammar (coherrence, tenses, SV agreement, etc.) sucks, both in english and in filipino. I don't want to ask this but, do I only have the passion for writing and fail to have the skill needed for it?

That pretty much sums up my day. It sucks. This is the worst second day of classes that I ever had.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Ynna, I Am Still Struggling For The Right Words

I can't write. I can't sleep. I can't even close my eyes. No, I'm not blaming you though I would never agree with you taking your life away just like that. It's just that up to this point in time everything still seems to be surreal. When I wake up in the morning and had a thought of you, it would take seconds for the fact that you're gone to completely sink in into my consciousness. Then at some moments I would have this horrible choking reminder that you would never come back- some eerie song in my head, sick feeling in my stomach and a drowning sadness that makes it harder to breathe, like the belt that took your last gasp of air was also creeping its way to my own neck. We really didn't get to talk much this semester and at times I would like to blame myself for not even saying a goddamn email to know if you're ok. I thought that we'd still see each other this coming semester like everybody else I didn't even say hello to during the sembreak. I never thought that it would come down to this. I thought that everything was alright for you since college started. You never even mentioned that you felt that low enough for you to hang yourself on the staircase. But who am I to tell? Who am I to blame you or us? I still find it hard to put all these in to words, like some kind of invisible force is pushing me into denying that you're dead.

I came to you're wake again. I saw you once again behind the glass cover of your coffin. You seemed to be smiling. I've been staring for so long that I thought I saw your chest move. I wanted stare at you for so long, as if I'm expecting you to open you're eyes, take a deep breath and get out of that coffin. I didn't pray like the others. I didn't even shed a tear like those I have shed the moment they said you have slipped away. I just looked at you and with all my might, wished that you and all of us around could be wide awake and up from this nightmare any moment now...