Happiness is Not Here

It is when times like these that I would really appreciate you being around.


You are the creamer in my coffee life, balancing out its extreme bitterness. You are that extra kick of sugar that wakes me up, reminding me every now and then that I am far from the end of my sea of things to do.


You were always the one to accomplish things first and I was always the last. All those times, I haven't given up just because of the fact that you were there, waiting for me to finish until you decided to sleep. And even when you already left for bed, I struggle to move on because, though I have never told, you inspired me in more ways than one. Then again the scenario was often like this: you finish first and sleep last, and I, the other way around, sleep first and putting up work for the early morning hours. Yet I had been able to untangle myself from the web of work and precious time for so many times because I was waiting for you to wake up and ask me how's my cramming going and then we go to the same class afterwards. I guess, you had been some kind of divine interference to my laziness that stretched every haunting second waiting to catch me on deadlines. I made it out alive often and I could never thank you enough for being there to celebrate or to mourn with me.


Ever since I left, I guess we had our new, separate lives. It has been good for both of us since we wanted to be where we are right now. But good cannot always be equated to happiness. I know you are happy. But as for me, I am just starting to fit myself in a new life. Sooner or later I can come close to the amount of happiness and contentment from the choices I made like the ones you have right now. And I can't wait for that, especially now that I am dealing with this fear that we are growing apart. Yes, no matter how much we deny or try to deny, we are growing apart. I am scared of losing every connection we have. I am scared of running out of words to say and stories to tell in case we meet again. I am scared of finding out one day that we are just two people who had been friends. But really, I am just scared of losing you. I am still standing here because you have walked with me through life in a couple of semesters, which is by the way, an awfully long time. If it is only true that fear itself is the only thing to be afraid of, then I am happy to be wrong.


Now that I have yet again traded sleep for coffee, silence of early morning and brain cells pulsating to cram, I look around and realize that this is another web of work and precious time I have to untangle myself from. I guess you're not going to get out of bed any minute now, ask me how my cramming is and go with me to the same class with me afterwards. I just wish that you would, even just for a second.


It is during times like these whe I do hate the fact that you cannot be around.




(musta naman ang grammar? tagal ko nang di nakasulat sa english.)