I'm confused - with a lot of things. I thought that everything was going to be cool. Damn, I gave up a year... whole damn year just for him. I should've listened to my friends... but maybe, subconsciously, I wanted this all to happen. I have this thing with hurting myself. The more I hurt, the more I want to get out... and when the breaking free part comes... the more I had reasons to stay.
My goodness, I’m so stupid. What is happening to me? And now that I stayed, this is what's going to happen? If I did go, perhaps I would've wondered what happened. I’ll be taking up creative writing now, confused in the thoughts of "what-if's" and "what-if not’s". So now that there are almost none of those, I know what happened. I’m having the notion of what's going to happen.
But I want to drive it away. I don't want a summer fling. I don't want anything for the summer - maybe just a slot in math 11 or PE2. Aside from that, perhaps the usual, a chunk of the reasons why I stayed in UPLB remain. The only thing I can never have now. Some guy named Gabriel. Why? Because he likes my housemate, that’s why. Maybe he likes me too, since we're close friends (for me that is)... but like, like? Nah. the way I like him? Hell no.
Honestly I want to blame this stupid face I have. This ugly face, this small not-so-proportioned body I have. I don’t have the hair to let down and make me look cute. I don't have the wits to intimidate anyone. I don't have the FYI's to make anyone pay attention. But you see, now that I know physical appearance does matter, I can't blame anyone or anything for it. My housemate can't help if she's pretty and witty and smart and likable. It wasn't his fault either. So what I have here now is myself. I’m blaming myself for being what I am... like it matters. I know it doesn't.
But blaming is like scratching an itch... for a moment of scratching, one gets diverted from feeling the actual itch. The more you scratch, the more you forget about it. The more you won't stop. And then eventually you'll realize that the itch is already bleeding, flesh already scraped. Then you have to stop, confused on which to feel - the itch or the bleeding pain.
