Baler

Happy New Year. Check this out: http://www.batangbaler.net/dictionary.html

Introspection After 2 Bottles of Beer

I am supposed to follow my last post with the ones about my adventures with irvin a couple weeks ago but I'm not in an exactly reliable mood right now. I can't even rememebr what happened during that time. All I know is that I amh a parasite, leaving my own tootbrush and bath towel in every house of close friends I have here in LB.

Moving on, there's a big news for today. No, we already know about FPJ's unexpected death. It's practically all over the place. Aside from the fact that I was able to submitt my CRAMMED eng101 papers, the chance to do/ see my favorite things/people before another day dawned again made me really really happy:

• abby leaving a merry christmas note on our door
• spending last day of classes with quel, blythe and ilia
• bottles of sanmig lgiht
• bugong
• new readings and novels in eng101 (secret lang to)
• si ..... (charing!)
• blog, blog and friendster

Anyway,now that I know that I'm not making any sense at all,.I'm going to stop this. I'm too intoxicated to even edit this post. I want to sleep right now so bad that I wouldn't mind dozing off in the sofa somhwere in beside the entrance f this computer shop. I want to lie down on the floor and close my eyes.

Laslty, though I'm tipsy at themoment, a can't help but post this.

"Atttachment is the source of suffering." - noel quoted from another author.

Abangan After Pasko: Pano Maging Parasite After Christmas Break.

Pag Nabago Ang Luma at Naluma Ang Bago

Ilang linggo akong nag tyaga sa 1 cup rice kada meal para lang sa isang pares ng pangarap kong sapatos, yung kulay bazooka bubble gum. Akalain mo nga namang nang dumating ang pinaka aasam-asam kong pagkakataon - ang sapatos na pink sa king harapan, kulay beige ang binili ko.

May isang semester na rin akong nagsusulat, nag-iisip at natutulala dahil sa isang yosing nagpapanggap na tao (yuck, mushy). Isang linggo ko ring pinag-isipan at (akalang) napagdesisyunan na tigilan na ang kahibangang nabanggit. Akalain mo nga namang kanina, kung kailan di na ko nawawala sa direskyon pag namamataan ko sa malayo - nagkasalubong kami , napansin ko tuloy na bago yung polo nya at para na naman akong tren na nadiskaril sa riles.

Halos isang taon na tong blog ko. Ilang buwang archives na rin ang nandito. Isang linggo na kong nagpupumilit na maging "kabasa-basa" man lang sa ibang tao ang lecheng blog na to, kaya nga bumabalik pa rin ako dito sa abode para makagawa man lang kahit isang maayos na post. Akalain mo nga namang trenta minutos na ko dito dala ang mga ideyang halos amagin na, itong walang kapararakang kompsisyon ang mapopost sa blog ko para sa isang madlang hindi naman talaga magbabasa.

Sabi ko naman sa inyo, sa pasko ko na maayos to.

Abangan: Pano Maging Parasite Part I

Hell (Second) Day, And Classes Are Not Even Formally Starting

I thought yesterday was bad enough - first day of classes, sembreak hang over and all that laziness crap. But no, today is far worse, because yesterday at least, I got to hang out with my favorite people in LB till late night.

Things that made this day like hell for me:

• After 3 days of exhausting enlistment and teacher/adviser hunt to fill my from26, I'm not yet enrolled. Today, I ran all the way from HUM bldg. to ACCI after my psy148 class only to find out the moment I got there that it had "just" closed [dammit, I still have to keep this huge amount of money with me, I hate it].
• Friendster Maintainance day again, argh!
• I've only been with people I know during lunch at IRRI aroung past 12nn to past 1pm. During the rest of the day, I was wandering around the campus. My mind was also wandering to who knows where that I can't even remember what significant things I did aside from lunch and my three, widely gapped classes.
• This guy I had a crush on last semester, I just found out that he's married. To add up to that, the girlfriend of my LTS1 "loveteam" is my dorm mate and I'm still wondering why I had that "missed call" from her. But really, I'm just bugged up from these whole petty issues with the opposite sex because I didn't have a single, decent interaction with the guitarman today. But then again, I'm confused with this weird feeling that I only continue to like him for the mere satisfaction out of spying. Pathetic isn't it? I'm always a failure in being a hopeless romantic.
• My cellphone's battery barely serves its purpose unless attached to the charger (which apparently, one of the things I lack in my new room at women's). I've always tried my best to please my parents for them to buy me a new cellphone battery. I try my best at school, I do my sisters projects and assigments (i.e.: "overnight" bookreports and html programming by hand, as in written on paper - though it's against my will), I do everything they say with the least complaints. Other kids ask for Nokia 72 somethings without ther effort of proving that they deserve it, but they still get it. What about me? I only wanted a battery, a working one. And let's not mention about my sister who has an 8210, telephone and TV in her bedroom but not a least bit interested in studying. She's the one who asks me to do assignment and projects for her to be passed the next day, the one whom I should always obey because otherwise my mom would be furious and starts shouting "magkano ka ba?" at me all over again. This is not a classic case of sibling rivalry, it does not even fall to that category - this is another level and I can't even tell you a term for it.
• I promised myself that I would make my blogposts short and readable by any person other than myself, but I have failed again.
• Lastly, I'm having this notion again that I forgot how to write. My grammar (coherrence, tenses, SV agreement, etc.) sucks, both in english and in filipino. I don't want to ask this but, do I only have the passion for writing and fail to have the skill needed for it?

That pretty much sums up my day. It sucks. This is the worst second day of classes that I ever had.

Ynna, I Am Still Struggling For The Right Words

I can't write. I can't sleep. I can't even close my eyes. No, I'm not blaming you though I would never agree with you taking your life away just like that. It's just that up to this point in time everything still seems to be surreal. When I wake up in the morning and had a thought of you, it would take seconds for the fact that you're gone to completely sink in into my consciousness. Then at some moments I would have this horrible choking reminder that you would never come back- some eerie song in my head, sick feeling in my stomach and a drowning sadness that makes it harder to breathe, like the belt that took your last gasp of air was also creeping its way to my own neck. We really didn't get to talk much this semester and at times I would like to blame myself for not even saying a goddamn email to know if you're ok. I thought that we'd still see each other this coming semester like everybody else I didn't even say hello to during the sembreak. I never thought that it would come down to this. I thought that everything was alright for you since college started. You never even mentioned that you felt that low enough for you to hang yourself on the staircase. But who am I to tell? Who am I to blame you or us? I still find it hard to put all these in to words, like some kind of invisible force is pushing me into denying that you're dead.

I came to you're wake again. I saw you once again behind the glass cover of your coffin. You seemed to be smiling. I've been staring for so long that I thought I saw your chest move. I wanted stare at you for so long, as if I'm expecting you to open you're eyes, take a deep breath and get out of that coffin. I didn't pray like the others. I didn't even shed a tear like those I have shed the moment they said you have slipped away. I just looked at you and with all my might, wished that you and all of us around could be wide awake and up from this nightmare any moment now...

To The Man On The Moon

The sky went a deeper shade of black.
Clouds were swept away.
You faced the heavens in such a majestic way.
Frosty white light went seeping through,
the unfathomable depths of your being
And you saw the stars -
You picked them out one by one
And made jewels for your head.
The clear stillness of the sky
Got carried away
By the softness of your glow
And all the twinkling beauty around you.
Where does that leave me?
Here I am, hidden beneath a cloud -
one of the clouds that you swept away.
I never became part of the sparkles
That made you all the more complete.
So perhaps I'll just let myself slip
Away from the grip of the dark sky
Soar down against the clouds,
Against the wind
And fall not into you craters
But on the face of the sleeping earth -
the only one willing enough to recieve me.

Senglot (At Nahuli Ako Ni Tatay)

Nag-inuman kami kina Mauro nung isang araw kasama sina Ronnel, Jebs, Vincent, Ebin, Lurin, Florence at Titet (complete attendance na sana kaya lang ala si Kakai). Napatumba namin ang anim na malalaking bote ng Red Horse. Nung una ayaw ko pa, batang gin at San Mig Light kasi ko. Pero ang sarap pala ng red horse no? Hehe. Lalo na pag malamig. Kaya lang, sabi ng sa commercial, ang lakas ng tama.

Oo, sabi nga ni Punzalan, senglot ako. Hindi naman as in tumba ko pero anaknam*, ang sakit ng ulo ko! Corny na kung corny pero boy, napamahal talaga ko sa barkada ko dahil sa pagtitipon na yun. Matagal-tagal na rin kaming di makumpleto, pero kahit kulang e tinuloy pa rin namin.

Dami kong nalaman. Nakwentuhan kami ng maraming bagay. Hindi naman "truth or consequence" yung dating pero maraming lumabas: yung problema ni Ronnel tungkol sa tunay nyang pagkatao (oo, mala teleserye), hinanakit ko sa sa parte ng UPLB na hindi tanggap ang CommArts, pagtutol nila sa plano kong pagtransfer sa diliman, mga kabulastugan ni Ebin, ang di na makagulapay sa kalasingan na rebelasyon ni Enteng at marami pang iba. Kakaiba talaga ang nagagawa ng ilang lagok ng alak - madalas, boluntaryong hinuhubaran ng maskara ang sarili.

Hindi ko rin masasabi na wala kami sa ulirat nung nag uusap-usap kami - natatandaan naming lahat yun. Nakakatuwa talaga, lalo na kung ilang linggo ka nang binabagoong sa loob ng bahay nyo at nagsisimula ng makabisado ng katawan mo ang pang araw-araw na kain-tulog ng labindalawang oras. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan nun e kung bakit ako pauli-ulit na nililitanyahan ni Ronnel ng "Caty... wag kang lalapit sa min isang araw at sasabihing may gusto ka na kay Earvin ha..." Si Jebs naman "Oi, Punzalan, wag mo ngang baby-hin yan si Bucu.." Ano?! Hindi kami ang bagong love-team ng barkada, Siguro nga madalas kaming mag usap at close na kami ngayong sembreak - telebabad, sabihan ng sikreto, seryosong usapan atbp. Pero kami magkakagusto sa isa't-isa? Malabo. May kanya-kanya kaming gusto. Kami na lang ang natatawa pag niloloko kami. Ano ba naman yun... Parang kapatid ko na si Ebin, yun dambuhalang yun na isa pa ring todo ang pagkalasing nang gabing yun. Pero nung may nagtanong kung bakit hindi pwedeng magkagusto sa kaibigan, hindi ko rin masagot. Bakit nga ba?

Sa totoo lang, may maganda sanang laman ang post na ito. Para kasing hindi ko na masayadong gusto si __. Alam mo yun, parang nalunod na sa beer at kasama nang naitapon sa mga pinagbalatan ng dingdong at wiggles yung kabaliwan ko sa kanyang pumupuno ng mga araw ko simula nang magsimula ang sembreak. Hindi pa rin ako magsasalita ng tapos. Marami pang araw bago magpasukan, interesado pa rin akong makilala siya. Wala kasi kong masayadong alam bukod sa mahal niya yung kumanta ng "Run". Hay nako, may hang-over pa yata ako.

Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan ang araw na yun, kung kelan umuuwi ako kinabukasan sa bahay nang parang wala pa sa sarili, nagpanggap na inaantok pagdating sa pintuan pero nabuko ng tatay ko paghiga ko sa kama. Amoy beer daw ako. Naisip ko, mga lasenggo nga naman - ang lakas ng pang-amoy. ;)

Pathetic Nonsense

I want to be with you now and hear you play your guitar.
I want to sense your smoke and look at your dirty, worn-out sneakers.
I miss you and its been days since you last said you thanks.
I'm glad that I saved your life in some sort of weird way-
At least I will still get to see you next semester.
I miss the way I see you from afar, sitting on some withered stonewashed bench,
the way your earring glitters in the sun,
your calloused fingertips (though I haven't really had a good look at it myself) do their strums.
So sad isn' t it?
The fact that you will never know I like you this much.
I was about to give up my argument on the fallacy romantic love.
I was on the verge of entertaining mushiness into my life.
I was willing to give up all my bitterness, and share yours
Including your beliefs that are somewhat contradictory to mine.
I was about to give all that up just to hear you play for me,
Sing your song for me, Write your poem for me -
Because have been doing all that for you and you will never know.
I wish we could write together as you teach me guitar, hanging out on your stonewashed bench.
But you like someone else. I've been doing research.
Yup, you are hell and she is heaven,
the first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word COLLEGE.
Your dream, the unreachable.
You are the first thing that comes into my mind when I hear college.
You have preoccupied my thoughts at the latest parts of it.
But you know, you will never be my heaven though I dream of you.
This may seem foolish butI'd rather have you beside me -
I could see, hear and feel you better that way.
Isn't life so unfair?
I try my best to be a nice, down to earth person,
Thinking that I could reach anyone by doing so.
But no, people like you always go for the ones you can't have -
the goddesses, the heaven, the unreachable.
Trust me,
I want to go way up there
Just for you to give me the time of day.
But sad to say, I cannot
Because I'm just a mere mortal,
Right here on earth.

Why is Miss Ordinary Being Bitchy?

February 2004

I am someone who passes by and no one sees. I know people, but not all of them know me. I do a lot of things not everybody sees. I am one of the countless people who belong to the faceless crowd.

As I drift into the sea of people that walk on this revolving earth, I see them as they see me. I think, and think in every step I take as I submerge my self into the depths of my thoughts, my surroundings and all those in it warps into a great moving mass, as anonymous as I am.

One may think, the ordinariness that my face, or even my whole being is as harmless as a bunny - I wanted to prove their first impressions wrong.

I regret lots of things I say, good or bad, when it's about people that I don't really care that much about. More often than not, it is my stupid thoughts and the tongue that spits them out is to blame. All the repressed ideas, comments, suggestions, and violent reactions scrambling around and gasping for air, that I have always kept locked up in my skull would leak out, in regretful ways more often than once.

Strike One

There's this guy, that I've known for years, who's trying to impress a close friend of mine and has been dumpred several times. His latest offer is friendship and yet in his very pathetic (and obvious) ways, he tries to make his move. It bugs me, no, it gets to my very nerves; Because not only I and my group of friends don't like him for our friend, but he is a goddamn sexist - treating girls he's not courting like they are some sort of lesser beings in, again, his pathetic yet obvious ways. He thinks he's so cool, tough good looking and a good singer (argh!), but definitely isn't. I HATE HIS GUTS. There are people whom I've really appreciated for trying hard, but his irritating ways doesn't make him a least bit part of them.

And I would blurt out things on this guy's ever present pathetic-ness when I talk to him. I would comment out loud when I'm with a whole group of people, incuding him and his can-you-not-get-the-picture ways. People would just look at me and and either smile or have no reaction at all. But really, it felt good doing or rather saying that, no matter how many people agree or disagree.

Yet, at the end of each day, I would sit down and recount things I've said. Regret would creep into my conscience on the way I pointed out his stinking guts. A feeling of guilt sinks in.

Strike Two

Then there's this girl whom I've been good friends since last semester. For more than half of that semester, she had always been with a guy "friend". That guy is someone from my past. No, not the boyfriend slash love kind of thing, just the dumb i-like-you-i-like-you-too situation (otherwise known as M.U.) and the only past ever recorded in my history regarding the matter. He's the kid who would make you feel high and then for no reason (or at least none that you would know immediately) left you hanging, until you suddenly fall down flat to your face. I have heard his ways because I had been a victim myself. Though he is like that, I had been "friendly-friends" with him when college started, or when he and the girl friend of mine started hangin out together. I don't know why. Maybe I missed him, but jealous? Over my dead brain cells, no.

This semester, the girl always asked me whatever happend to him. For days, the answer has been "I don't know". But deep within those linesI have been thinking tha maybe: he is at it again; he's still the stupid guy I know; He decided to leave her hanging too. So the first news that I got about his whereabouts and his "making porma" to a popular girl in school, I told it to my friend after several weeks of thinking if I should. But with the luck of all lucks, the girl met the guy again and the guy is asking me now about what I've said to my friend. Am I in a big mes or what? Me and my big mouth again.

I grew into disliking him secretly after our so-called history. I still don't, and somehow it felt good to save someone from pain, no matter how much others wronfully accuse me of being jealous. But with all the guilt slowly creeping in like in the case of the stinkingly gutted guy.I'm getting trapped between my own conscience and this whole damn twisted mess.

There are many other times wherein I say things that somehow, after releasing all of the stuff that wanted to leak out of my head (in exchange for relief), my own conscience would nag me. I wanted to say those and I don't want to take them back and yet there is always this overwhelming feeling of guilt that stays at the pit of stomach.

Everytime I do, I feel like I did something deadly - That I'm a blabbermouth. I am evil-tongued. I am stupid. I am reckless. I am foolish. Most of all, I'm becoming a bitch.

I never really dreamed of becoming one. At times I want to change when conscience nags, but I remained in telling what I think when I think it is most necessary to do so, in times when acts of certain people makes my blood almost evaporate from boiling. On the other hand, I am still as faceless as the who-was-that's and never-heard-of's.

I feel guilty at this moment. I want to stop but I want to say things I think at the same time. With all this rage of confusion, trying to worm its way through my already oevrloaded mind, I ask myself how I transform from beign Ms. Ordinary, to a bitchy one and back.

Then I found out that my mind and definitely my conscience, is just as confused as I and my already confusing day's worth.

Pangalan

Huwag mo akong tingnan
Sapagkat bawat titig mo'y sapat
Upang tuluyan akong mabura sa paningin.
May mga tingin na di nakakakita.
May mga pagtawag na walang laman.
Ang pagsambit sa aking pangalan
Ay di patunay ng pagkilala mo.
Kailanman, ang tinig mong
tumatawag sa akin
Ay di patunay na nabubuhay ako
sa iyong isipan, sa iyong harapan.

Under The Cafe Lights

When I was just about to sit on my chair,
I changed my mind and went to another.
Now there you are,
On the seat that was supposed to be mine.

The wind blew colder
As you held the frets of your guitar tighter.
It sees like you would never let go,
Strumming and plucking on those cold nylon strings.

Every note that you left hanging in the air -
I picked them out one by one.
I tried to make a movie in my head.
A short clip of the passion in your song.

There goes the last strike of your fingers,
slowly taken away by the silence
and by the awe you have left me with.
The lights were turned off.

Each one of them flickered out into the dark.
I was left contemplating
Now on the same chair -
That I was suppose to sit upon.

But you sat and spun your melodies instead.
Here I am, still sitting
Seeing you in my mind
Hearing the song that you played

Over and over again.

Kung Kailangan Man ng Inspirasyon Sa Pagsulat ng Kanta

Harana.

Tubig kang sinalok sa mga palad.
Bago pa kita mahawakan,
Nakabalik ka na sa laot.

Hangin kang lumakad.
Bago pa kita masundan,
Nakabalik ka na sa langit.

Lupa kang nabibilad.
Bago pa kita mataniman,
Nagbalik na sa iyo ang lahat.

Ako'y narumhan, napagod na't nangawit.
Mga bahagi mo'y nalunod, tinangay na't inilibing.
Hindi na kita muling maririnig.

For My Father

Father,

I wonder where you are right now. I haven't seen you in like two weeks already. I wanted to know if you still miss us, if you're fine, if you still give a bit of godamn care for us. I may never know. I get home from school, you're not here - even during weekends. I leave home on monday mornings and you already left for the office. I don't know if you're still thin, if you still wanted to talk me, if you still love us. I want to know. I want to know so bad that I'd give up, even my life just for a nick in time that you'll pay attention - to my existence, to us your children. I'm not kdding. You know how hard it is to watch that jollibee commercial and ask myself every now and then if you're watching me grow up? or if you're intrested at all? You may never know. I want to tell you how immature it is for both you and my mother to make us suffer for everything that the two of you cannot settle. I wanted to tell you that the way you treat us like we don't exist sucks. I want to tell you that you're not being a good father to us lately. But even if everything is upside-down for us right now, you'll always be my father and I would not trade you for anyone else. I want you to know that I miss our old days so bad, when we used to talk a lot, when I was still your little girl. I want you to know that I will always be daddy's girl, and that won't ever change even if the time that you'll really leave us for good comes. I miss you so much and you will never know how much it hurts. And most of all, I want you to know that I will always love you - even if we don't get to talk for a thousand years, even if you don't get to read this. I always will.

Regrets Of A Pretending-To-Be Hero

Have I told you that my best friend is leaving tomorrow? I would’ve been with her. We should’ve transferred schools together. It could’ve been the best years of our lives.

But I stayed behind…

Let’s do a rewind, shall we? As far as I can remember I wanted to transfer. I wanted to take up creative writing so bad not even my parents can stop me. My best friend and I got it all planned out – the two of us in the same dorm, the two of us getting lost in Manila. You know… those kinds of adventures that we will remember for the rest of our lives as the two of us realize the biggest of aspirations.

But you came along…

I can still remember, it was second sem. If it wasn’t for the fact that my apartment was the “tambayan ng bayan”, we wouldn’t hold our group meetings and do our group assignments there. I don’t know if it was my so-called friendliness or the everyday meetings that made you remove the barrier you made between yourself and other people. Nonetheless, I was still firm with my decision to transfer. I got the good grades, my requirements and all that. All I needed was to take the exam and a little more luck to pass.

But before the semester ended…

I came to know that we’re linux loving, novel reading, download addict, non-mainstream music listener, caffeine freak kind of weirdoes. We even have the same family problems. Then again, you’re weirder - the PSHS kick-out, attend-class-whenever-I-feel-like-it, Math 101 final-exam-reviewed-in-45-minutes passer, math wizard kind of weird. You love this girl who hasn’t even texted you once for two years now. All those complications in you’re life made you hide in a shell and find refuge in being alone and sleeping all day. I felt like I had to save you – not only from being permanently dismissed but also from all other troubles you made for yourself and others did for you. And I tried, even if I have to let you use my computer for 2 weeks straight and be my unofficial boarder.

But it wasn’t just that…

We became inseparable. So, I gave up my dream, consoling myself with the thoughts that I can be a writer even if I don’t get to transfer. We were together 24/7 all the way ‘till summer classes. I helped you pass your English; you helped me passed my Math. I felt like we’re soul mates. I like you all this time even if I heard somewhere most soul mates don’t lead a romantic life. Still, I wanted to save you. I wanted to cure your grief. I wanted to be the one to make you smile and wake up each morning. Of course, the latter two was impossible. I wasn’t that girl. I wasn’t that theatre genius blessed with a face fit for a goddess. You know me; I’m just a mere mortal.

But after I realized that…

My best friend is leaving for real. I was the one who ditched our plans for the future. So I just made the best out of our last days together in the same school. We took up the same classes this summer, had sleepovers, eating, movie and shopping galore. We even finished practicing half of Pachelbel’s Canon. It was our best summer ever.

But it wasn’t enough, even for a compromise…

This semester won’t be the same without her. The thoughts of how she transferred sections when we were in 4th year high school just so that I won't be alone, kept haunting me. Because this time, I can’t be able to keep her company. I can’t be with her in the new school, in the new dorm, in a whole new world. I also gave up the chances to reach my dreams. It’s all because of this savior I felt like I had to be for you. I hate myself for that. How could’ve been so stupid not to realize long before that you’ll never forget your actress and I will never matter to you at all? I was just someone you run to, when you were too scared to be seen by her or to run with you when you wanted to see her. I was just someone who eats lunch and dinner with you at any time of the day. I was just someone who nags you every now and then to attend your classes or do your assignments. I know you’re just there to return the favors. Everything I did wasn’t much for you because all this time even as we speak, her thoughts have fueled your almost fading motivation to wake up and live each day.

But as for me…

I will live this new semester, most probably the whole school year wondering how things could’ve have been if I was with my best friend, doing what I love most. Most probably, I’ll miss my best friend terribly, when I play the Canon or eat Chicken Lauriat. I’ll try my luck again to transfer. Fail or not, I wish so bad that my best friend won’t forget me and all the adventures we had. Though we still get to meet on weekends, college life won’t be the same without her. Even if all this happened because I did stick around for you, it was my entire fault, not yours.

So, now...

Things had been said, damaged and done. I guess your life is back on track. You can go chasing after your goddess if you want. Besides, you told me, she’s the one who gives you the reason to stay in school – not me. I can never cure your grief because it’s unrequited love. I guess what I did for you is enough to save you from being permanently dismissed, not from yourself. Not even your girl can do that, only YOU.

So if you’ll excuse me, could I have a time out fixing your life now? I need to fix mine too.

#####

Bittersweet rantings...

I'm confused - with a lot of things. I thought that everything was going to be cool. Damn, I gave up a year... whole damn year just for him. I should've listened to my friends... but maybe, subconsciously, I wanted this all to happen. I have this thing with hurting myself. The more I hurt, the more I want to get out... and when the breaking free part comes... the more I had reasons to stay.

My goodness, I’m so stupid. What is happening to me? And now that I stayed, this is what's going to happen? If I did go, perhaps I would've wondered what happened. I’ll be taking up creative writing now, confused in the thoughts of "what-if's" and "what-if not’s". So now that there are almost none of those, I know what happened. I’m having the notion of what's going to happen.

But I want to drive it away. I don't want a summer fling. I don't want anything for the summer - maybe just a slot in math 11 or PE2. Aside from that, perhaps the usual, a chunk of the reasons why I stayed in UPLB remain. The only thing I can never have now. Some guy named Gabriel. Why? Because he likes my housemate, that’s why. Maybe he likes me too, since we're close friends (for me that is)... but like, like? Nah. the way I like him? Hell no.

Honestly I want to blame this stupid face I have. This ugly face, this small not-so-proportioned body I have. I don’t have the hair to let down and make me look cute. I don't have the wits to intimidate anyone. I don't have the FYI's to make anyone pay attention. But you see, now that I know physical appearance does matter, I can't blame anyone or anything for it. My housemate can't help if she's pretty and witty and smart and likable. It wasn't his fault either. So what I have here now is myself. I’m blaming myself for being what I am... like it matters. I know it doesn't.

But blaming is like scratching an itch... for a moment of scratching, one gets diverted from feeling the actual itch. The more you scratch, the more you forget about it. The more you won't stop. And then eventually you'll realize that the itch is already bleeding, flesh already scraped. Then you have to stop, confused on which to feel - the itch or the bleeding pain.

Ashes

Here are the ashes of an old flame that was extinguished a long long time ago:
I just had the urge to post this thing that I've written more than a year ago. As mentioned, the composition is old.. written when I was too young, too stupid to actually have the slightest notion about what love is. I've thrown the ashes of that flame out into a sea of memories I would not dare dip into again for a lifetime. But my luck and like I had another lifetime, I'm out again to extinguish another flame. Now that my world just crashed (as in bout a couple of hours ago) care of the him who slept in my apartment for two weeks... I felt all the more alone, stupid and just plain ugly. It's becoming more and more of a fire each day, consuming my thoughts... I can still hear the crackling of false hopes into my head. I want to grasp it now and kill it with my bare hands even if costs burning of flesh. But you see, the more I know bout what he thinks, the more I die. The more his absence lingers... the more I fail at putting off the fire as I myself burn out and will eventually be the ashes thrown out into the sea of forgotten memories.

What I Never Had

Here are the ashes that will haunt me no more for a new nightmare is coming
to life. I'm just glad now of the idea that the love I mentioned below is not
really love but rather a concoction of confused emotions and overwhelming
flattery I had too much of. I got drunk. I had a hang over. I went back to
normal. The cycle is starting again, drinking not a concoction of flattery but
more of the foolish ideas of soulmates and kindred spirits.

March 17, 2003
Damn! It’s been a year and a half from the time when we first met; a year and three months since u first greeted me on my birthday; a year and a month ever since our first dance; more than a year in view of the fact that you came crashing into my life…Am I losing count? No, I’ve been keeping track of everything unusual that happened in my so-called life. And when YOU happened, the whole thing just went bizarre.
For 14 years, my existence had been normal, from my point of view at least. But believe it or not, a scrabble game turned around the meaning of my existence itself. Yes, shallow as it may seem, the first time you looked at me and told me “You can do it” simply flickered a different emotion that I’ve never stumbled upon before until that split second. And so we were the champion, but somehow that victory told me that I’ve won much more than a gold medal – I made a self-discovery.
I learned to care for another person other than myself, family and friends. Never until then knew that being myself was the greatest I can be. You nudged me out of my shell, and all went diverted. No, I kept my real self, only I was better in a way. It’s like this: there’s a nice plain colored wall and for the longest time its contented being like that. But then fate came and decided to hang a fine-looking painting on the wall, and all of a sudden the wall itself with the painting became beautiful. In other words, you inspired me.
Wait! I felt like that, honest, but I’m not implying that you felt the same. Days just went by, with us burning the phone lines with stupid and sometimes sweet nothings until 2 in the morning. The weird thing is that we’re not as close in school. From another approach, it’ll seem that we’re just mere acquaintances. However, something held me back and made me perfectly satisfied with the way things are. That is until I started to question…
Why, out of the blue and considering the fact that I was a total stranger, were you interested to know me? You scribbled a “happy birthday” on our chalkboard for my entire class to see (and the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me) though we haven’t been much acquainted yet. Then you started to text me and phone calls followed afterwards. You always paid me compliments. You always ask bout me to other people. You sent me love quotes. You said your crush has pretty eyes and then when I asked you who she is, you said it’s me. What the heck was that about? I didn’t want to jump into conclusions that you might actually have feelings for me. Nevertheless, my ever stubborn head allowed me to do so. I started to fall (really hard) and drowned into the ocean of my own fantasies.
There I was, thinking all along that you like me too. I expected a lot of things. For instance, when Christmas time came, I imagined you giving me something. No, I’m not materialistic and I bet you know that. I anticipated more of something like you greeting me a “merry Christmas” in person or something written (because I know you write well). But what did I get? Well, just a plain text message saying “Merry Christmas too…” and news that you gave some freshman girl a box of chocolates for Christmas. Now if you wonder how “merry” my “Christmas” was back then, you have no idea…
In spite of what happened, the New Year meant a new start for us (or was it only me?). All went normal, you know, call, text and stolen glances on school corridors but this time, I totally erased what happened the previous year. And I liked you even more. Time went by like a dazzling haze of colored fusion, and so fast that I hadn’t has the time to drink the whole scenario into my senses. In what seemed like a blink, Valentine’s Day came and yes, love was in the air.
For the very first time in my life, I attended a school dance – the Valentine’s Ball. I never liked social scenes like that and the fact that I have to dress-up was mere agony because I was never vain, but I did go. Why? Because I know you’re going to be there, and you were. As you realize by now, expectations crawled through my veins faster than snake venom. The first song was played and I waited for you. Instead, I saw you dancing with your pretty classmate. I tried to act cool, like it was nothing and resorted to sleep behind the vacant chairs. But deep inside, I felt like my heart is crushed that it’s beginning to suck the life out of me. And then someone poked my shoulder. I turned around and it was you offering you’re hands as the lights flickered in the darkness. I didn’t think twice and took it. I haven’t even heard you ask. I just stood up as if an invisible remote control took over my entire motor skills.
My head just floated into the lairs of unspeakable harmony that I never cared what music we’re dancing to. I tried to come up with a conversation, but somehow silence is all I needed to hear. All I know is that you’re there, holding my hand, and close to me and never in a million years can anyone replace that moment. Sadly, the music cannot play forever and so it ended.
Yet, though the song ended, the melodies stayed loud and clear within my mind. We began to plan about our senior year and then occasionally of college life. I thought of many wonderful things that can happen when we’re already classmates but unexpectedly, life took a sudden twist. You had to leave. I was left devastated.
However, I tried to turn the whole thing around and look at it from another perspective. I made an effort to optimistic so I can somehow pass it on to you. And I like to think that I made a pretty good job on that. So vacation went on smoothly and we talked about your plans on a new school at times. Still, the real highlight of my summer was I finally pulled the guts to tell you that I like you. It was the moment of truth for me and at that time I felt that it was the most rational thing to do rather than let you leave without even knowing that. And remember? You told me you like me too. It was a hall of fame instance for me. There was an understanding between the two of us, or so I supposed.
After the first few months of the school year, you changed. You practically moved on liking one girl and then another. What happened to “us”? I questioned even more than before my whole strange imaginary love life came to being. Why did you just let me fall for you and then left me waiting in vain? Have I done something wrong? Was I never enough and unworthy of those feelings that I actually thought you had for me all along? All these questions came pouring in and I found no answers. We seldom talked. When we came close to this subject, you just retaliate and declare your favorite phrase, “change topic”. I knew you were trying to run away, but I didn’t care. I became bitter and angry at myself, thinking that all these happened because I did something wrong and I didn’t even know.
One time, you had a chat with a friend of mine. He asked you if still love me, you said no, why? Then you said you don’t know; the feelings just vanished. So you mean you actually loved me in the process? I don’t want to jump into another conclusion as I did long ago. Still questions grew in number everyday and they remained questions. I was still blaming myself.
But you see, I’ve met a few bends on the road these past few months. Someone actually liked me and made efforts to prove so. I made the best attempts to sort out my feelings and see if I could return such emotions, because I don’t want other people to experience what happened to me. I had this little fling and then I gave up because I grasped the whole idea that I don’t have feelings for that person as he has for me. No matter how much people say we look good together, I don’t care. I can never spend the last years of high school in such state of a total lie. I don’t care if people look at it like I’m the antagonist, because I don’t actually have special feelings for the guy and if I let the whole thing continue, it’ll be both our loss.
Since we are still friends, I told you the whole thing. You said you were proud of me for doing that, probably because of how honest I was. And then it hit me. You were in the exact position as I was, in some ways. Now, I’m actually starting to let the remaining feelings for you drift away.
No, our situations were entirely different. I still have questions, but I’ll never dare to ask again. Maybe I just grew tired of asking myself, of what went wrong or what wasn’t enough. I don’t mind anymore, because perhaps destiny cannot even answer those questions itself. I can now fully accept the fact that you never loved me and never will. Or maybe I’m wrong, but otherwise I can live with that now.
Whenever anyone asks me before if I still love you, I’ll undoubtedly say yes, without any hesitations or thinking twice. But now, for the longest time, I’m not sure of what to answer to that question anymore.
All I am aware now, as far as I know, is that I’m never going to love anyone as much as I have loved you. I cannot give that much, not that I’m afraid to, it’s just that I think I don’t have as much to give anymore. After more than a year, I am finally letting you, or at least my feelings, go without the slightest idea if you were ever really mine.
Now, a chapter in my life is going to close and there’s a big new world out there waiting for me next school year. It’s fun to think of the possibilities that we’re going to bump into each other there and probably have lunches together occasionally with our common friends. We can never exactly predict what will happen, if the unresolved past will arrive to the future seeking for a conclusion or not.
I am very much comfortable with us sharing our lives together as true blue friends. I don’t want to go assuming again, and I assure you, I’ve learned much and I wouldn’t dare defy fate again especially regarding with matters of the heart. There will always be reason for everything and who knows; maybe it is better this way, right?

A Letter

This is a letter (that would've ended up in a landfill), for the I have been with for two weeks:

hmmm... new here. first time? yup. just watched another semi-sappy film, under the sappy, sappy night sky, in my never, but pretending to be sappy life. sometimes i wonder if it just so happen that when some sort of raffle draw happened before i came to life, the kind of life im living right now is some sort of sick consolation prize. am i bound to be as invisible as i am right now for let's say, eternity? i could wait for almost four hours in the subway. i could wait for 10 nights in two weeks. just for you. so then again, eternity isn't that long. by the time i can no longer hang on... i know you'll look at me. and the moment you actually see me... i hope i'm gone. no need to wait, i'm never coming back, even if i wanted to. i guess that's what they say bout not having it all. you had me. lucky enough. i never had anything, including you. hope there isn't anything far worse. think about it.

Rage, Rage Towards Another Trap (Curse This Day)

Well, I still like him - the kind of "like" that will linger on till graduation day, or up to the last minute of my MRR (just in case). And yet he'll only like someone who's like him. But I can't be like him... because if I am exactly like him, I’d like myself too much. I can't be that girl. I hate the fact. It crawls in my head like legions of ants towards an exodus to the land of sweets. I could only dwell on the remaining days of the semester... and then all communications will cease to exist. I could dwell on forever bout all the things that will happen when that day comes... up to the very last drop, up to last bit of him fading into my vision, and the growing of his presence in my thoughts. I hate this feeling... and yet I’m numb to any other emotions I’m supposed to feel except for this... and the sadness that he plants into my heart every time he secretly tries to get away from me when group meetings are over and all the members are gone except us. I still have two weeks. He can only run around the classroom walls or of my apartment... round and round... as I just sit, listen to him and stare in silence. When two weeks are up, he can run, not round and round... but away... fading among the shadows with last answers to the final exams. I can stare no more by then, but I’ll just continue to sit around and listen to the loud echoes of his memories that scream within my soul. Now I'm just another girl who can only thrive in loneliness like I've been in long time ago. I should have known that this trap has been set before, waiting for the return of my once failed escape.