Ynna, I Am Still Struggling For The Right Words

I can't write. I can't sleep. I can't even close my eyes. No, I'm not blaming you though I would never agree with you taking your life away just like that. It's just that up to this point in time everything still seems to be surreal. When I wake up in the morning and had a thought of you, it would take seconds for the fact that you're gone to completely sink in into my consciousness. Then at some moments I would have this horrible choking reminder that you would never come back- some eerie song in my head, sick feeling in my stomach and a drowning sadness that makes it harder to breathe, like the belt that took your last gasp of air was also creeping its way to my own neck. We really didn't get to talk much this semester and at times I would like to blame myself for not even saying a goddamn email to know if you're ok. I thought that we'd still see each other this coming semester like everybody else I didn't even say hello to during the sembreak. I never thought that it would come down to this. I thought that everything was alright for you since college started. You never even mentioned that you felt that low enough for you to hang yourself on the staircase. But who am I to tell? Who am I to blame you or us? I still find it hard to put all these in to words, like some kind of invisible force is pushing me into denying that you're dead.

I came to you're wake again. I saw you once again behind the glass cover of your coffin. You seemed to be smiling. I've been staring for so long that I thought I saw your chest move. I wanted stare at you for so long, as if I'm expecting you to open you're eyes, take a deep breath and get out of that coffin. I didn't pray like the others. I didn't even shed a tear like those I have shed the moment they said you have slipped away. I just looked at you and with all my might, wished that you and all of us around could be wide awake and up from this nightmare any moment now...